on bingeing

The NHS defines bingeing as eating a lot of food in a short period of time until you’re uncomfortably full. Upon a further glance, it seems that I do not really exhibit the symptoms of bingeing but my relationship with food is unhealthy, I have unhealthy thinking patterns which are so commonly reinforced by the doxa. I have categorised my eating into good, healthier meals where restriction takes place into carefully constructed meals, to unhealthy meals which is anything which strays from this pattern. My eating was tied to shame, especially when I was alone, I found it difficult to eat with others. My vegetarianism followed pursuit. I found myself restricting myself further and further to the point that I had a set 4 to 5 dishes which were permissible, everything else was not.

In the last month, feelings of shame have dissipated somewhat slowly but in a few months I am sure it will become even quieter. My realisation is, while my food intake has probably increased, my framing and language around it has too changed. My relationship with food has improved and remains disconnected to my love of sport. I work out because it makes me feel powerful, I can track my progress and I am in competition with myself. I have accepted that my body cannot resemble that of another’s and I feel excited to see how it will grow and change according to my new founded lifestyle centred around movement. I love sport because it enables me to switch off, I cannot worry about things when I work out. I will continue to make healthy life choices but in no way will I ever restrict myself again nor scrutinise myself with feelings of shame. I have chosen to like the person that I am today.

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